Date: 03 Nov 2009 12:05 pm Title: and we all fall down . . .
I like your unique imagery. It fits very well.
One thing (besides the word that isn't necessary)is that she wasn't the one who "got down" from the harness. The harness let go just enough that she didn't think it was there.
The second thing is that she did look back and saw her safety net smile. It made her sad, but she turned around and kept going. (As you seem to, I also like the "safety net" better than the "harness.")
These are the two lines that were the most poignant to me:
As she weeps, she falls."
"She keeps walking, and he keeps holding, and he keeps catching.
But they all keep falling."
Author's Response: Thanks very much, especially for the concrit! I love concrit. :D And, yes, that last line you mentioned is definitely my overall favourite in this piece. -nods- Again, merci! ;)
Date: 11 Jul 2009 4:24 pm Title: and we all fall down . . .
Very interesting analogy. How about you incorporate Edward's self-loathing by saying that the tight rope is fraying from the inside out and then snaps underneath her feet, and that's how she falls?
Author's Response: If I ever do a follow-up piece to this, I may include your idea. ^^ Thanks.
Date: 03 Jul 2009 12:25 pm Title: and we all fall down . . .
My original moment of balking was at the inclusion of profanity, but then I just was not thrilled by the slightly mixed metaphor. The prose was nice, but not exactly coherent.
Author's Response: Hmm, okay. Yeah, I know my writing can get verr purple prose-y, but I'm working on it. ^^ Thanks; the concrit's much appreciated!
Date: 29 Jun 2009 9:12 pm Title: and we all fall down . . .
It is a bit fragmented-ish, but I like the imagery and I think it's a good poem (or story).
Never be afraid to run with something that inspires you. After all, it's the inspiration that is most important.
Date: 29 Jun 2009 2:48 pm Title: and we all fall down . . .
It is nearly more a poem or rather poetry. I like it though!
Author's Response: Yeah, it is...I think it's partly because there are a lot of fragment-ish bits and long sentences. xD Thanks a bunch!